It's not like it doesn't hurt. 

It's not like I don't feel sad looking at that hole staring back at me, imagining what an ugly scar it'll leave.

It hurts, at times, suddenly, without a warning. 

It really sucks, sometimes, when I look at it and think about how even though I've never been particularly good-looking, smart, or even kind, I could always count on myself being healthy. I didn't get sick that often, didn't have much scars. But now that's not true, either.

But it's not like I can say anything about it.

So yes, it doesn't hurt, and I really don't care much about the scars.

I'll forget about this in a few years anyway.

Happy new year :).

Unlike most, I didn't have any celebration plans on New Year's Eve. Sure, it was a little lonely and even though I kept saying to anyone who'd listen that it was "just another day," a little part of me was secretly wishing that a friend, anyone, would ask to spend the day with me. Because that means that I matter, quite a bit, to someone. But no one did, and that's alright. The fact that I'm okay with that, though, is not just alright - it's great. Had I the same mindset that I did a few weeks ago, I'd probably have taken a few gulps of rum (Mount Gay, on the rocks!) and drink myself to sleep, or gone out to some bar and order one too many drinks. But I did not, and I am thankful for that. 

So - on New Year's Eve, my mum was to go out with her friends to watch the new year fireworks, and my brother was to go out and party with his friends, presumably at a club somewhere. Me though, I was busy making chocolate truffles (with two different flavours, orange and rum & raisin), because my previous attempt at it didn't end so well and I wanted to try again, and on that day, I had the kitchen (and the house) all to myself. It's quite a challenging and time-consuming task, especially since I can hardly cook. Fortunately, this second attempt proved more successful than the last, albeit that still doesn't mean that it was all that successful. But I digress. I had aimed to finish making the truffles before midnight, for some reason. When I finished coating all the truffles and put them in the fridge, I turned around to look at the clock on my kitchen table and saw that it was ten minutes to twelve. Good timing, but I still had dirty dishes to wash, with bits of melted chocolate on them that don't come off too easily. What to do? I contemplated dropping everything and turning on the TV to wait for the countdown. I could wash the dishes tomorrow, right? But instead, I started washing them, real quickly. I decided that I didn't want to leave dirty dishes for next year; I wanted to start on a clean slate. I was anxious to finish on time, but alas, the minutes ticked by and soon midnight came and passed. I didn't hear any counting down or cheers from the groups of people celebrating downstairs though, which was strange. As it turned out, the clock was around five minutes early, as all the other clocks in my house are. So by the time I was done and looked at my phone, the time showed 11.57. Phew, I thought, as I slumped onto the couch and reached out for the TV remote. But as I was about to press the button, I realised that I didn't care much for the countdown and the fireworks. It was, after all, just another day.

I went about my business, and was actually in the toilet when I heard the countdown and cheers. I smiled, and shortly afterwards when I went back to watching Game of Thrones in my room, I heard fireworks. I was quite puzzled, because surely you can't hear the fireworks from Marina Bay all the bay from my area, and peered through the curtains. I could see a few sparks in the sky, the rest blocked from view by the blocks opposite. I wondered where those fireworks were being set off for a second, then resumed watching Game of Thrones, with the sound of fireworks in the background.

I guess my point is, I don't care much about the new year. New years have never symbolised a new start for me, and it really is just another day. But I did have a new start a few weeks prior, when I gained a new perspective on life after taking part in a camp. (Well, sort of.) For the most part, 2013 was a truly shitty year for me, but in those last few weeks, I was at peace with myself. That's not much, but it's more that I can say for the recent years. So here's to new beginnings, to persevering on the long and arduous journey of finding ourselves. Happy new year! :)

Sometimes when I drink while walking on the stretch of road from the MRT station to my home, all struggling to finish my drink, I wonder, "If I pour my drink away on the grass, will they wilt and die?"

There.

I wonder what it's like over there.
Will there be no music, only silence?
Will the temperature be way higher than it is now, and no fan or air-con to turn on?
Will there be nothing, no one, but empty space?

I wonder how I'll be like over there.
Will I still be a human being, or something else?
Will I still be who I am now, regardless of what form I take?
Will I exist at all?

What I wish for, is that there is no "over there", and there won't be "me".

[pinned] Artists I will watch LIVE.

I love LIVE performances. If I had unlimited money, I'd probably go to every single concert of the artists that I regularly listen to. But I don't, therefore this post.

There are a few rules (necessarily in this order) to determine whether I'd want to watch a certain artist LIVE:

1) 周杰倫 = a resounding YES, regardless of anything else.

2) Solo concerts: only bands (i.e. not boy/girlbands or solo singers). Of particular interest: 五月天, F.T Island, OneRepublic and 蘇打綠. Other bands worth mentioning: 八三夭, Linkin Park, Boys Like Girls.

3) Exceptions to Rule #2: Shinhwa and 王力宏, whose concerts I wish to go for, at least once. Also, DBSK, when/if they reunite as five in the future.

4) Mixed concerts: only if I like almost every artist performing.

5) Other conditions that apply to Rule #2-#4: ticket price and current financial condition, and whether I have anyone to go with.

As you can see, even after applying these rules, there are still quite a number of concerts that I want to go for. So I'm accepting applications for concert mates! :D Rest assured, I am an excellent concert mate who goes all out in cheering for the artists (but only at the appropriate times), so you won't regret watching a concert with me ^___^.

Tick-tock.

During Mayday's concert, the members talked about how they just came from China and it felt like they just arrived in Singapore but before they knew it, it was already the last day of the concert and they were going to leave the following day. Then, 怪獸 said something like, "时间，好像不是很够用的感觉。" I kinda teared a little at that, because I've never really felt that way. These days I've been thinking to myself, "Have 24 hours always felt this long?"

I think since it's the school holidays now and I don't have assignments and projects to complete and notes to revise, the hole in my life is even more painfully obvious. In the past I could still distract myself with dramas, variety shows and mangas, and I'd be contented with sitting on my butt in front of the computer the whole day, but now it just doesn't work anymore. 

I've been awake since 8am today. I played badminton from 10am to 12.30pm, had lunch, took a shower, came back, washed dishes from this morning's breakfast, read around 20 chapters of manga, had a really good 2-hour sleep, woke up and cook myself instant noodles, washed the dishes, cut fruits and ate them, watched 3 episodes of New Girl, and now here I am, looking at the clock and wondering why it still shows 10.53pm. Okay, 10.54 now.

I can't remember how I passed the time yesterday. I vaguely remember waking up at around 4pm, and 2 hours later, I felt bored already. 

It's not about how I can while away the time either; I have tons of movies, dramas and variety shows already in my computer ready to be watched, but I just don't feel like watching them. 

I am so tempted to just buy alcohol and drink myself to sleep every night. But I know it's stupid and unhealthy, so I stop myself from doing it. 

I know that I'm whining too much about something that doesn't even seem like a problem. So I have too much time on my hands; just go and do something, you dummy! It's not that easy, though, if you don't have anything you wanna do. I feel like I can't really talk about it either, because it's not something that anyone can help me with. I should be thankful that I am healthy, don't have to worry about money, and basically don't have anything that other people usually call a big problem. And I am, thankful. But there are days when I wished I get knocked down by a car, so my meaningless existence would end. Or get cancer, because maybe when there's a deadline to my life, I'd finally figure out what to do with what little I had of it. 

(Sorry to all cancer patients out there who might be reading this, by the way; I know I sound like an ignorant fool slash ungrateful piece of shit. Would it help if I say with all sincerity that right now, if I could, I'd take the cancer from you? No? Okay then.) 

I just went into my room, put the 5 lotions on my face and now it's 11.21. Hurray! Maybe I can call it a night soon. (Except that I slept in the evening, so I am not sleepy now. Damn.)

五月天 15.06.13「諾亞方舟」concert

My very first 五月天 concert! It was so awesome omg; definitely one of the best concerts I've ever been to! (And that's saying a lot, since I've been to quite a lot of concerts.) The concert lasted around 3 hours, with 3 encores. The band performed a lot of songs from the most recent album (10 out of 13!), but there were also a lot of older hits. I'm still in a bit of a shock over how many songs they performed. And I'm so happy that they performed so many of my favourites! 突然好想你! 你不是真正的快樂! 知足! And the 還你自由版 of 溫柔 OMG. And 倉頡, which is my actually favourite song in the most recent album. Totally didn't expect them to perform it since it wasn't one of the first singles.

The band performed SO WELL! To be honest I didn't have very high expectations of 阿信's live singing, but he sounded great, albeit a bit more nasal and sharp at times. And the rest of the band MAN. The guitar/bass/drum solos! I was so impressed. Thumbs up to everyone!

The whole concert was so HIGH. I think a part of it was because of the super awesome light sticks, which somehow could change colour together at once! I still can't figure out how it works lol. The light sticks came together with the ticket, so everyone had one and the sea of blue/red/white/yellow was so pretty :). There were some very nice stage effects too. I also liked how the members interacted with the audience, asking us to cheer/clap, cracking jokes, etc. The sing-along sessions were so awesome :). The crowd was great! All in all, I really, really enjoyed myself. The 3 hours flew by, and even after so many songs, I was left wanting for more!

Looking forward to the next 五月天 concert! :D