It's not like it doesn't hurt. 

It's not like I don't feel sad looking at that hole staring back at me, imagining what an ugly scar it'll leave.

It hurts, at times, suddenly, without a warning. 

It really sucks, sometimes, when I look at it and think about how even though I've never been particularly good-looking, smart, or even kind, I could always count on myself being healthy. I didn't get sick that often, didn't have much scars. But now that's not true, either.

But it's not like I can say anything about it.

So yes, it doesn't hurt, and I really don't care much about the scars.

I'll forget about this in a few years anyway.

Happy new year :).

Unlike most, I didn't have any celebration plans on New Year's Eve. Sure, it was a little lonely and even though I kept saying to anyone who'd listen that it was "just another day," a little part of me was secretly wishing that a friend, anyone, would ask to spend the day with me. Because that means that I matter, quite a bit, to someone. But no one did, and that's alright. The fact that I'm okay with that, though, is not just alright - it's great. Had I the same mindset that I did a few weeks ago, I'd probably have taken a few gulps of rum (Mount Gay, on the rocks!) and drink myself to sleep, or gone out to some bar and order one too many drinks. But I did not, and I am thankful for that. 

So - on New Year's Eve, my mum was to go out with her friends to watch the new year fireworks, and my brother was to go out and party with his friends, presumably at a club somewhere. Me though, I was busy making chocolate truffles (with two different flavours, orange and rum & raisin), because my previous attempt at it didn't end so well and I wanted to try again, and on that day, I had the kitchen (and the house) all to myself. It's quite a challenging and time-consuming task, especially since I can hardly cook. Fortunately, this second attempt proved more successful than the last, albeit that still doesn't mean that it was all that successful. But I digress. I had aimed to finish making the truffles before midnight, for some reason. When I finished coating all the truffles and put them in the fridge, I turned around to look at the clock on my kitchen table and saw that it was ten minutes to twelve. Good timing, but I still had dirty dishes to wash, with bits of melted chocolate on them that don't come off too easily. What to do? I contemplated dropping everything and turning on the TV to wait for the countdown. I could wash the dishes tomorrow, right? But instead, I started washing them, real quickly. I decided that I didn't want to leave dirty dishes for next year; I wanted to start on a clean slate. I was anxious to finish on time, but alas, the minutes ticked by and soon midnight came and passed. I didn't hear any counting down or cheers from the groups of people celebrating downstairs though, which was strange. As it turned out, the clock was around five minutes early, as all the other clocks in my house are. So by the time I was done and looked at my phone, the time showed 11.57. Phew, I thought, as I slumped onto the couch and reached out for the TV remote. But as I was about to press the button, I realised that I didn't care much for the countdown and the fireworks. It was, after all, just another day.

I went about my business, and was actually in the toilet when I heard the countdown and cheers. I smiled, and shortly afterwards when I went back to watching Game of Thrones in my room, I heard fireworks. I was quite puzzled, because surely you can't hear the fireworks from Marina Bay all the bay from my area, and peered through the curtains. I could see a few sparks in the sky, the rest blocked from view by the blocks opposite. I wondered where those fireworks were being set off for a second, then resumed watching Game of Thrones, with the sound of fireworks in the background.

I guess my point is, I don't care much about the new year. New years have never symbolised a new start for me, and it really is just another day. But I did have a new start a few weeks prior, when I gained a new perspective on life after taking part in a camp. (Well, sort of.) For the most part, 2013 was a truly shitty year for me, but in those last few weeks, I was at peace with myself. That's not much, but it's more that I can say for the recent years. So here's to new beginnings, to persevering on the long and arduous journey of finding ourselves. Happy new year! :)

Sometimes when I drink while walking on the stretch of road from the MRT station to my home, all struggling to finish my drink, I wonder, "If I pour my drink away on the grass, will they wilt and die?"

There.

I wonder what it's like over there.
Will there be no music, only silence?
Will the temperature be way higher than it is now, and no fan or air-con to turn on?
Will there be nothing, no one, but empty space?

I wonder how I'll be like over there.
Will I still be a human being, or something else?
Will I still be who I am now, regardless of what form I take?
Will I exist at all?

What I wish for, is that there is no "over there", and there won't be "me".

[pinned] Artists I will watch LIVE.

I love LIVE performances. If I had unlimited money, I'd probably go to every single concert of the artists that I regularly listen to. But I don't, therefore this post.

There are a few rules (necessarily in this order) to determine whether I'd want to watch a certain artist LIVE:

1) 周杰倫 = a resounding YES, regardless of anything else.

2) Solo concerts: only bands (i.e. not boy/girlbands or solo singers). Of particular interest: 五月天, F.T Island, OneRepublic and 蘇打綠. Other bands worth mentioning: 八三夭, Linkin Park, Boys Like Girls.

3) Exceptions to Rule #2: Shinhwa and 王力宏, whose concerts I wish to go for, at least once. Also, DBSK, when/if they reunite as five in the future.

4) Mixed concerts: only if I like almost every artist performing.

5) Other conditions that apply to Rule #2-#4: ticket price and current financial condition, and whether I have anyone to go with.

As you can see, even after applying these rules, there are still quite a number of concerts that I want to go for. So I'm accepting applications for concert mates! :D Rest assured, I am an excellent concert mate who goes all out in cheering for the artists (but only at the appropriate times), so you won't regret watching a concert with me ^___^.

Tick-tock.

During Mayday's concert, the members talked about how they just came from China and it felt like they just arrived in Singapore but before they knew it, it was already the last day of the concert and they were going to leave the following day. Then, 怪獸 said something like, "时间，好像不是很够用的感觉。" I kinda teared a little at that, because I've never really felt that way. These days I've been thinking to myself, "Have 24 hours always felt this long?"

I think since it's the school holidays now and I don't have assignments and projects to complete and notes to revise, the hole in my life is even more painfully obvious. In the past I could still distract myself with dramas, variety shows and mangas, and I'd be contented with sitting on my butt in front of the computer the whole day, but now it just doesn't work anymore. 

I've been awake since 8am today. I played badminton from 10am to 12.30pm, had lunch, took a shower, came back, washed dishes from this morning's breakfast, read around 20 chapters of manga, had a really good 2-hour sleep, woke up and cook myself instant noodles, washed the dishes, cut fruits and ate them, watched 3 episodes of New Girl, and now here I am, looking at the clock and wondering why it still shows 10.53pm. Okay, 10.54 now.

I can't remember how I passed the time yesterday. I vaguely remember waking up at around 4pm, and 2 hours later, I felt bored already. 

It's not about how I can while away the time either; I have tons of movies, dramas and variety shows already in my computer ready to be watched, but I just don't feel like watching them. 

I am so tempted to just buy alcohol and drink myself to sleep every night. But I know it's stupid and unhealthy, so I stop myself from doing it. 

I know that I'm whining too much about something that doesn't even seem like a problem. So I have too much time on my hands; just go and do something, you dummy! It's not that easy, though, if you don't have anything you wanna do. I feel like I can't really talk about it either, because it's not something that anyone can help me with. I should be thankful that I am healthy, don't have to worry about money, and basically don't have anything that other people usually call a big problem. And I am, thankful. But there are days when I wished I get knocked down by a car, so my meaningless existence would end. Or get cancer, because maybe when there's a deadline to my life, I'd finally figure out what to do with what little I had of it. 

(Sorry to all cancer patients out there who might be reading this, by the way; I know I sound like an ignorant fool slash ungrateful piece of shit. Would it help if I say with all sincerity that right now, if I could, I'd take the cancer from you? No? Okay then.) 

I just went into my room, put the 5 lotions on my face and now it's 11.21. Hurray! Maybe I can call it a night soon. (Except that I slept in the evening, so I am not sleepy now. Damn.)

五月天 15.06.13「諾亞方舟」concert

My very first 五月天 concert! It was so awesome omg; definitely one of the best concerts I've ever been to! (And that's saying a lot, since I've been to quite a lot of concerts.) The concert lasted around 3 hours, with 3 encores. The band performed a lot of songs from the most recent album (10 out of 13!), but there were also a lot of older hits. I'm still in a bit of a shock over how many songs they performed. And I'm so happy that they performed so many of my favourites! 突然好想你! 你不是真正的快樂! 知足! And the 還你自由版 of 溫柔 OMG. And 倉頡, which is my actually favourite song in the most recent album. Totally didn't expect them to perform it since it wasn't one of the first singles.

The band performed SO WELL! To be honest I didn't have very high expectations of 阿信's live singing, but he sounded great, albeit a bit more nasal and sharp at times. And the rest of the band MAN. The guitar/bass/drum solos! I was so impressed. Thumbs up to everyone!

The whole concert was so HIGH. I think a part of it was because of the super awesome light sticks, which somehow could change colour together at once! I still can't figure out how it works lol. The light sticks came together with the ticket, so everyone had one and the sea of blue/red/white/yellow was so pretty :). There were some very nice stage effects too. I also liked how the members interacted with the audience, asking us to cheer/clap, cracking jokes, etc. The sing-along sessions were so awesome :). The crowd was great! All in all, I really, really enjoyed myself. The 3 hours flew by, and even after so many songs, I was left wanting for more!

Looking forward to the next 五月天 concert! :D

And in that moment,
I made a silent prayer to whoever might be listening,
that I would never love anyone as much as I love you.

周杰倫 08.06.13「魔天倫」演唱會

Hee :).

Jay sang 一路向北! I legit almost lost it when the first few notes of that song came on. And following that he sang 不能說的秘密, which is another favourite of mine. He performed most of the songs from the new album (明明就! 哪里都是你! 大笨鐘!), but there was also a good mix of older hits. The concert felt really really short; I think it was only around 2 hours. Now that I think about it, though, he sang quite a lot of songs.

To be honest, I wasn't blown away by this concert like I was by his previous two. There were some good special effects but they weren't too impressive. Jay's singing was also kinda mediocre today. But overall, I had a great time! Jay's concerts always feel like a big sing-along session, because the crowd knows the lyrics to almost all of his songs, especially the older ones. As I was singing along I felt really proud of him, and also proud to be his fan :). 

I think I would have enjoyed myself more if I was sitting in the first category, where I'd be able to stand up during the concert. Because I was rather at the back, no one around me stood up. They were enthusiastic, alright -- the guy behind me knew the lyrics better than I do -- but I still felt rather restrained since I am used to standing throughout concerts. We only stood up at the last encore, when Jay asked everyone to stand up. Still, I cheered to my heart's content and dutifully waved my lightstick throughout!

I love you, Jay ♥. Till next time, then!

[pinned] My goals. (10/06)

Here is a list of the things that I want to achieve, both big and small. It is a reminder for me to start working towards these goals!

1. I want to stop saying wah-lao.

2. I want to have a good physical stamina.

3. I want to become a vegetarian.

4. I want to wake up at 6am every morning, and sleep at 12am every night.

5. I want to start learning music again.

I can't do this anymore.

It hurts to have to keep a distance when all I wanna do is run to you and hug you with all my might.

Sometimes it gets too much to bear and during these moments, I can't even muster a smile. I hate how I turn all weird; I am not myself.

I am not okay. I haven't been okay for a long time.

I just can't do this anymore.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I still want you in my life.

Even though it hurts to have to keep a distance when all I wanna do is run to you and hug you with all my might, it would hurt more if I can't see you.

I might still sometimes turn weird when it gets too much to bear, but give me a moment to get myself together and I'll be able to smile from my heart again.

It's okay, and I'll be okay.

Because I still want you in my life.

Time to get over myself.

I suck at conflict resolution. Since I was little, when two of my close friends had a fight, I'd try to get them to make up, but after a while I'd just stop and leave them alone. I think that no matter what outsiders do, a conflict can only be resolved if the parties directly involved want it to and make an effort for it to happen.

When DBSK officially disbanded, I stopped listening to the group's old songs altogether. As much as I loved those songs, they just made me miserable thinking that I'd never hear the five members singing them anymore. When JYJ and TVXQ came back separately, I listened to their albums once, decided that they were sorely disappointing, and did not listen to them again. It was strange; those were the same five people and the same five voices that I grew to love over the past few years, yet it was as if I did not know them. I whined and whined, lamenting over how I disliked their new sound, and how I missed the old DBSK. I avoided their TV appearances, for when I did I'd start smiling and laughing because of them, and I'd get reminded of just how much I loved them. When once in a while I let my curiosity got the better of me and watched any TVXQ's videos, I'd feel guilty because I did not watch JYJ's, and vice versa. And most importantly, even though I kept saying that I was waiting for the day when I stop feeling sad when I listen to their songs, a part of me did not want that day to come. I was afraid that when that day comes, I will finally accept the existence of the two groups, and the fact that DBSK is no more. I thought that by hurting because of the split up, I was keeping DBSK alive in my memory.

In retrospect, I was only thinking of myself. No matter what had happened, I abandoned the five members when they needed support. I blamed them for my pain, and ignored the fact that if even I was in pain, they probably thought they were in hell. It was also not surprising that I disliked all their new songs; it wasn't how good or bad they were that mattered, just that they weren't sung by the old DBSK.

A character in a drama once said that it takes as much time to get over a lost love as the time you've loved. I started liking DBSK in 2007, and even though the group officially disbanded in late 2009, I only gave up hoping that they would reunite in late 2010. It's now 2013. Enough already. 

I still believe that the bond between the members was real. I still have hopes of them one day resolving their misunderstandings and becoming friends again. In my imagination, they will one day meet up, talk, scream and shout, punch one another while crying their eyes out, and eventually when they are too tired to move, they will lie sprawled on the ground, laughing at how stupid this whole thing was. I don't even need them to reunite as DBSK; knowing the members make up is enough for me. Or maybe it already happened and they're just waiting for the right time to reveal it.

I will start listening to DBSK, TVXQ, JYJ and the members' solo songs again. Maybe over time, I will stop  switching songs abruptly in the middle of an old DBSK ballad because tears threaten to fall as I listen to the familiar melody that seems so far away. Maybe one day I will stop looking for a shadow of the other members' voices in TVXQ and JYJ's songs. Maybe one day I will stop feeling the urge to refer to the new two-member DBSK as Homin, and can stop referring to them as TVXQ, just as I do now just because I don't want to call them DBSK. Maybe one day I will finally know that it is okay to not mourn for DBSK anymore, to like TVXQ and JYJ, and to call the current DBSK, DBSK. It is okay, because they are still the same five people and five voices that I grew to love, and because even though it is TVXQ and JYJ that remain now, DBSK's music still lives. 

JPM - 我沒有很想你

我沒有很想你 只是每早醒來第一個想到你
我沒有很想你 只是偶爾會翻閱你的短訊
我沒有很想你 只是把自己關在角落裡
逃避 逃避 逃避 隨便你

我沒有很想你 只是在夜裡睡不著翻來覆去
我沒有很想你 只是偶爾會打聽你的消息
我沒有很想你 只是偶爾會播放你愛看的電影
我真的沒有想你

我沒有很想你
我沒有很想你
我只是 愛你勝過愛自己
我沒有很想你
我沒有很想你
我知道你已離去

我沒有很想你 只是在夜裡睡不著翻來覆去
我沒有很想你 只是偶爾會打聽你的消息
我沒有很想你 只是偶爾會播放你愛看的電影
我真的沒有想你

我沒有很想你
我沒有很想你
我只是 愛你勝過愛自己
我沒有很想你
只是偶爾想抱緊你
我真的沒有想你

我真的沒有想你
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I love this song, sigh.

On a side note, let me just say that 小傑 looks reeeally good in the MV heee.

I can't do this. I can't say it.
Tomorrow I'm going to deny that I said it, if I ever did.
No, I did not say that, I never did.
Yes, I am alright, always have been.

But because I have to,
I'll say it in a whisper,
hoping that no one will hear.


Save me.




Save me.

Freaky aliens.

Let’s like different things, so that I can introduce you to the wonders of coffee and you get me trying the weirdest-sounding food. Let’s fear different things, so that I can dare you to take the tallest roller coasters ever and you coax me into stroking your puppy’s fur. Let’s have different experiences, so that I can describe to you how pretty the night sky in Thailand is and you recount to me how you once enjoyed a conversation with a total stranger at a café in San Francisco. Let’s be different, so that I can remind you to not be cocky and you allay my insecurities.

Yet, let’s be cool about how different we are, so that it is okay for me to shake my head at your taste in music and you to laugh at my fashion sense. Let’s crash into each other with full force and wonder out loud how aliens like you and I can exist. But despite the distance that is our differences, let’s somehow meet halfway and stay there. Maybe then, we’ll find out that we are not that different after all.

Boys Like Girls - Stuck in the Middle

Here I am again
Everybody's screaming
The walls are closing in
I'm stuck in the middle.
Swimming up a stream
Suffocating in between
I wake up from the dream
I'm still stuck in the middle
I guess this time I'll wait it out

Someday things will be perfect
It will be worth it all this time
Stuck in the middle
I know things will get better
Hold it together
Take your time
Stuck in the middle

You push and then you shove
You hate and then you love
You try to switch it up
But you're stuck in the middle
No matter what you do
No matter how you choose
Well, either way you're gonna lose
When you're stuck in the middle.
I guess this time I'll wait it out

'Cause
Someday things will be perfect
It'll be worth it all this time
Stuck in the middle
I know things will get better
Hold it together
Take your time
Stuck in the middle

You fight until you're free,
You're down on your knees
Hoping someday you'll make it out
If you just believe
There's hands around your neck
Hearts beatin' out your chest
Well baby if you wait it out
You will see that

Someday things will be perfect
It'll be worth it all this time
Stuck in the middle
I know things will get better
Hold it together
Take your time
Stuck in the middle

Well, this time we're stuck in the middle
You're stuck in the middle.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There's always a song for every emotion, every stage of our lives; that perfect song that just spells out what we've been dying to say, or what we wish someone would tell us.

I want to..

I want to dye my hair.
I want to cut my hair short.
I want to shave my head.
I want to pierce my ears.
I want to have a tattoo.
I want to go someplace.
I want to stay.
I want to do nothing.
I want to do something, anything.

Run, run away
Stay away from me
Don't talk to me, don't smile at me
Pretend I don't exist, treat me like air
You don't wanna see me, see the gaping hole in me
Run, run away
Stay away from me

五月天 - 米老鼠

一身黑皮膚 白手套紅短褲
一雙大大耳朵 隨時在 向人打招呼
他是我朋友 陪我笑 陪我哭
尤其是當我 當我最無助 有他 聽著我傾訴
夢中 城堡裡面跳舞
醒了 世界依然殘酷

以為我愛著孤獨 以為自己不會迷路
以為自己跟自己 再不用誰照顧
以為我愛著孤獨 卻又 崩潰的無助
誰能讓我擁抱著 盡情的哭

誰是草莓族 你才是榴槤族
一身傷人頑固 傷害我 還要我不哭
摩天輪停住 咖啡杯不跳舞
孩子練習著 讓悲傷麻木 快樂 也開始麻木
夢中 城堡裡面跳舞
醒了 世界依然殘酷

以為我愛著孤獨 以為自己不會迷路
以為自己跟自己 再不用誰照顧
以為我愛著孤獨 卻又 崩潰的無助
誰能讓我擁抱著 盡情的哭
讓我唯一的朋友 不是老鼠
讓我唯一的朋友 不是老鼠
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I think I might go crazy one of these days, haha ^^;;.

It's almost funny how hard it is for me to tell others about my problems. ("Almost" being the key word, because since it's happening to me, it's not funny in the slightest.)

Taylor Swift - I Almost Do

I bet this time of night you’re still up
I bet you’re tired from a long, hard week
I bet you’re sitting in your chair by the window, looking out at the city
And I bet sometimes you wonder about me

And I just want to tell you
It takes everything in me not to call you
And I wish I could run to you
And I hope you know that
Every time I don’t,
I almost do, I almost do

I bet you think I either moved on or hate you
‘Cause each time you reach out there’s no reply
I bet it never, ever occurred to you that I can’t say hello to you
And risk another goodbye

And I just want to tell you
It takes everything in me not to call you
And I wish I could run to you
And I hope you know that
Every time I don’t,
I almost do, I almost do

We made quite a mess, babe
It’s probably better off this way
And I confess, babe
That in my dreams you’re touching my face
And asking me if I want to try again with you
And I almost do

And I just want to tell you
It takes everything in me not to call you
And I wish I could run to you
And I hope you know that
Every time I don’t,
I almost do, I almost do

I bet this time of night you’re still up
I bet you’re tired from a long, hard week
I bet you’re sitting in your chair by the window, looking out at the city
And I hope sometimes you wonder about me
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This song is all about repressed feelings, and this is reflected not only in the lyrics but also in the singing; it's mellow and even at the climax it never really 'explodes'. But it's heartbreaking, all the same. Or maybe, that's why it's heartbreaking.