張芸京 - 我沒有瘋

我們怎麼開始的 結束的
怎麼結束的 卻開始了
記得不記得 現在都忘了
又開始了早晨
我們怎麼分開的 分開了
怎麼相遇的 又愛著的
認得不認得 你應該認得
都是你給的

我沒有瘋 我只是很難過
我沒有瘋 我只是很脆弱
就算再痛 我也會讓我們自由
這才是我 一個坦白的我
時間走過 我只是還難過
我不想留 這傷口還在痛
我沒有瘋 是當初忘記了喊痛
怎麼不懂 我只是沒有說
都沒有說

我們怎麼分開的 分開了
怎麼相遇的 又愛著的
認得不認得 你應該認得
都是你給的

我沒有瘋 我只是很難過
我沒有瘋 我只是很脆弱
就算再痛 我也會讓我們自由
這才是我 一個坦白的我
時間走過 我只是還難過
我不想留 這傷口還在痛
我沒有瘋 是當初忘記了喊痛
怎麼不懂 我只是沒有說 都沒有說
我沒有瘋 我只是很難過
我沒有瘋 我只是很脆弱
就算再痛 我也會讓我們自由
這才是我 一個坦白的我
時間走過 我只是還難過
我不想留 這傷口還在痛
我沒有瘋 是當初忘記了喊痛
怎麼不懂 我只是沒有說
都沒有說 都沒有說

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Favourite song of the moment!

I think a lot of times we don't say how we really feel; we just keep it all inside until one day it all it all spills out and we find ourselves in a mess that we can't get out of. Maybe because a lot of times there isn't any reason why we feel the way we do, and there's nothing that even the closest friends can do or say to help us. Maybe we think we just need time to get over ourselves, to stop feeling things, and one day things will just be better.

还是被发现了。

From her reaction, you'd think that I had committed a crime or started taking drugs, instead of donating my blood. I know that the main reason she's angry is because I did not discuss it with her, or to be more precise, ask her permission first. However, the reason why she never approves of it is that she thinks that I might get some disease from donating my blood, which is totally irrational, and even though I had previously tried explaining to her that all the instruments used are sterile and the body produces blood naturally so there wouldn't be any harm inflicted, she just wouldn't listen. So I chose to do it behind her back, because if I tell her she wouldn't let me and because I really wanted to do it.

I'm quite a stubborn person. I don't change my behaviour in most circumstances, even if I know I am supposed to or can behave differently. For example, even though my dad gets angry when my brother and I sleep late, I don't sleep any earlier when he comes to Singapore just because he's around. Sometimes when my mum says things like the reason why I tend to spend money on useless things is because I did not earn that money myself, I disagree because all money is just money to me, and I spend them the same way, frugally or wastefully, regardless of where that money came from.

Similarly, I will not change my beliefs and not do what I want to do just because she disapproves of it. I want to do it, not because I want to do good or be a hero or what not, but simply because I have extra blood to give. I have blood to give and there are people who need it.

This is all really bad timing, I know, since she's leaving in two days and I really could have waited until she leaves to do it. However, the blood donation drive in school was to last till last week, and since I already put it off since August, I felt that if I continued putting it off I'd never do it eventually. I guess the only thing I should have done differently was to hide my bruise from her. I really don't like to hide things, though, and I thought that if I behaved unnaturally she'd notice. And I'm really bad at lying to my parents.

Still, I don't think I did wrong.

Beautiful in White

I'm usually skeptical about love songs with fairytale-filled lyrics, but this song is just so beautiful. I think Shane's voice is the thing that differentiates this song from other love songs; he sounds so sincere, like he's just singing what he feels instead of trying to string together pretty-sounding words.

It's so beautiful I could cry.

京犬煜。

I really, really like 京犬 ^____^. Think I must have watched the few videos of their interactions a hundred times since last year XD.

The two major pairings for 張芸京 are:

1. 京犬 (張芸京/敖犬)

Their interactions started when 敖犬 was featured in 阿京's MV for 義氣 in 2010. 敖犬 once mentioned that he likes girls with character, bringing up 阿京 as an example but said that she's too similar to himself and would prefer someone who is "比较温柔".

2. 京煜 (張芸京/小煜)

Both of them are "rockers," and they have performed together in outdoor performances with live bands. 小煜 has mentioned that he likes girls with short hair, wrote a song for 阿京 (but it wasn't chosen and so he ended up singing it himself), and is generally nice towards her.

I like both pairings, actually. 阿京 is just really comfortable around guys (and girls) so basically all of her pairings are adorable.

From the videos that I've seen (especially this one), I think 小煜 likes 阿京, but she likes 敖犬. 敖犬, on the other hand, likes to tease 阿京, but treats her more like a 兄弟. 京煜 has more fans, I think, because they went out to eat once in late 2009 and 小煜 paid and since then they have been in the 暧昧 stage, "flirting" openly on Weibo and stuff. 京犬's interactions are more playful in comparison.

I never really put any thought into it, but from my preference between these two pairings, it can be inferred that I value loving more than being loved, i.e. I would rather 阿京 to be with the person she likes rather than the one who likes her. That's the main difference between these two pairings, in my opinion, since I don't really follow Lollipop F other than when the group appears together with 阿京 and so I don't like 敖犬 more than 小煜 or vice versa.

But anyway. I really hope 京犬 will get together someday ^^. Lollipop F and 阿京 are in the same company (with 小猪 too!) so they attend shows and award ceremonies together sometimes, but there are hardly enough 京犬 moments T^T. I need new 京犬 moments!

Awesome ending to an awesome drama.

Reply 1997 ended, with lots of kisses, fights, hugs, smiles and laughter. That's right -- NO tears, because only us the viewers are drowning in our sea of tears as we watch the last episode. Props to the directors, writers, all staff members and actors. You guys did something incredible.

I'm gonna skip all the OH-SO-CUTE moments between the main couple that end up together and talk about Junhee, because obviously all along I'm the most invested in his story.

I loved that scene of Junhee moving out. I think Junhee wasn't sure if he was going to see Yunje again, because he didn't know if he could ever get over Yunje. Even when he was saying his "See you"s, he wasn't really looking at Yunje, and his words sounded like "Goodbye"s instead. It was painful to watch because he seemed so vulnerable I was afraid he'd shatter. I think Yunje sensed that. That hug, the pat on the shoulder and the words "Let's eat together later" speak volumes. It was as if Yunje was trying to tell Junhee that he knows, that he knows but it's okay and he's going to see him again no matter what because Junhee is his best friend and he loves him, but that's all he can be and he is sorry for his pain. And I think in that moment, Junhee knew that Yunje knew. Just for that scene, and basically all the other scenes of the two together after Yunje found out about Junhee's feelings, I love you, Yunje.

I can't ask for a better ending for Junhee. I said in my previous post, "I don't care if it's a guy or a girl, or even no one if he hasn't met anyone else, but I just want him to be happy." I think I must have echoed the sentiments of everyone who cares about Junhee, because the ending does exactly that -- showing that Junhee is happy, that he has met someone new, without revealing whether it's male or female. Almost everyone thinks that it's a guy, because of various reasons, and I tend to agree with them. Yet a tiny part of me hopes that it's a girl, because one heartbreaking love that can't be told to others and took him a good part of 10 years to get over is enough for one lifetime. And I want nothing but happiness for Junhee. But then again I guess being with the person you love and who loves you is happiness in itself.

So I'm happy :).

I foresee myself watching the drama again some time in the near future. I love you, Reply 1997.

Did I say I love you, Junhee?

Kang Jun Hee.

WARNING: This post will contain spoilers about the currently airing drama, Reply 1997 (or Answer Me 1997). You really wouldn't want to read this if you're planning to watch it, which I say YOU TOTALLY SHOULD.

I decided that I need to blog about this character, because apparently reblogging 1001 posts of every single moment he's on screen on Tumblr is not enough to contain all these feelings that I have.

I love Junhee. He's possibly the most likeable character I've seen in a K-drama in a while.

He's that friend who sprays a cooling spray for you, when your arms are cramping up. He's that friend who chats with you at night and listen to your complaints about your parents fighting all the time. He's that friend who gets worried when you go off the chat room for a while to check on your parents who are supposedly fighting, and asks earnestly whether he should call the police. He's that friend who tells you his secrets, and keeps yours. He's that friend who offers to buy you food when you're down. He's that friend who consoles and hugs you when you cry because something bad happens. He's that friend with whom you go to the movies, wait in line early in the morning for CD shops to open, or hug in elation when the country's soccer team wins a match. He's that friend who knows who you are in love with, even before you realise it yourself. He's that friend who sincerely congratulates you that you've finally gotten together with the guy you love, even when that guy is the person he loves.

With Yunje, his best friend with whom he's in love, he's still that friend. He's that friend who gives you his notes when you miss classes because you're stuck in the hospital. He's that friend with whom you team up in basketball, because he's as good as you are. He's that friend who wants to give everyone a treat with the money he just won from a dancing competition, and when everyone but you has prior appointments, suggests going home because he knows you aren't in the mood. He's that friend who notices that your CD player isn't actually playing anything when you use it to avoid talking to the girl you love because your brother is in love with her too, and helps you to turn it on. He's that friend who lies to that girl that you have a girlfriend, because he knows you would want him to do so.

Yet, he's that friend who secretly sends songs to you. He's that friend who blinks and break away with a smile as you hug him saying that you love him. He's that friend who keeps the dog that you name after yourself and had planned to give to the person you love, and keeps the name as it is, saying that he likes Yunje. He's that friend who dances coolly in a dancing competition and afterwards look right in your direction and smiles, despite the crowd of girls screaming his name. He's that friend who wants to go into the same university as you, telling 101 lies in the process, just so that he can stay with you. He's that friend who finally confesses his feelings to you, after gathering his courage, and laughs it off good-heartedly when you take it as a joke. He's that friend who cooks ramen for everyone by himself with earphones on, and freezes for a few seconds when you pull one side of the earphones and whisper in his ears to not break the eggs. He's that friend who smiles when your friend comments about how lucky you are to be able to eat his cooking everyday when you go to university together, and that you two are like husband and wife. He's that friend who lives with you for 7 years and does all the housework for you without complaining. He's that friend who wakes you up in the morning for breakfast by whispering in your ear. He's that friend who lectures you to man up and face your feelings, and go be with the girl you love. He's that friend who moves out when he knows that you're finally going to be with her, and makes up lies about why he has to move out. He's that friend who looks disappointed that you don't ask him to stay, and smiles when you say that it's not as if you two are not going to see each other again, because even if he were to run away, you will chase him his entire life, because you two are friends.

Junhee is just.. perfect. He's kind, considerate, tactful, smart, athletic, good-looking. My heart bleeds for him, at how selfless he is. He gives and gives, not just to Yunje, unconditionally. He never blames anyone for his pain or expects Yunje to return his feelings. Behind each of those smiles lies sadness, but he chose to stay with Yunje and keep being his friend, even though it would have been a lot easier to just leave. He did not try to make Yunje see that he wasn't joking when he confessed, which goes to show how much he treasured that friendship, even though that means his feelings would never come to light.

I know a lot of people would dismiss the character as a gay, but really, Junhee is a lot more than just that. Most importantly, his love is love just like any other. One of my favourite narrations in the drama is by Junhee:

“The reason I like you? Because it’s you. Just you. That’s the only reason. I wish I knew. Then I could figure out how to stop liking you. If I can’t avoid it, I only want one thing.  To stay as a friend who doesn’t change. For love, full of heartache.”

If that isn't love, I don't know what is.

I appreciate how after Yunje found out about Junhee's feelings for him, he pretended to not know and acted normally. Some might say that he was relieved that Junhee was moving out, and I'm not saying he wasn't, but even then he emphasised that they were friends, and from what he said it is implied that in the years to come, he still wants Junhee to be his friend. Junhee is important to Yunje, as a friend, as much as Yunje to Junhee. And I think that is the biggest consolation Junhee could ever have, if only he knew.

Even though there are still a few episodes left, now that Yunje and Shiwon are together, Junhee moving out, I feel that it's the end of Junhee's story. I think the writers ended his story well, by showing Junhee letting go and wishing his best friends well. Still, I just wish Junhee will get his own happy ending in the end. All the times when I was reduced to an ugly sobbing mess were during Junhee's scenes, and for once I want to feel happy for him. Please, writers? I don't care if it's a guy or a girl, or even no one if he hasn't met anyone else, but I just want him to be happy.

Finding that comfortable range.

I went singing alone today :D. Planned to sing for 3 hours only, but it ended so soon that I sang for another 3. Guess time flies when you're having fun!

Ever since I first went to Kbox back in Secondary School, I've been going to karaoke pretty often. But I've never thought that I can sing well. As much I like singing, it is really difficult, for when I sing guys' songs I can't reach the low notes and for girls, the high notes. My vocal range is on the low side and it's really limited. My breath can't last long, and my voice is nothing special either. When I sing certain songs I'd feel really frustrated because I'd be ruining the awesome songs, and even though I know what note I'm supposed to hit, often I can't. And I don't know how to improve other than to keep singing, so I still sing, even though my own singing hurts my ears and my frustration sometimes saps me of any enjoyment that I usually feel when singing.

Today, I did one thing differently. Instead of struggling to fit into the artists' range, I raised/lowered the pitch of the song by a few keys to suit my own range. It's really funny, now that I think about it, how I never even thought of doing this before in my many years of singing. I think I was too proud, finding it embarrassing to not be able to sing the songs in their original pitch. So I steered away from the songs that are obviously out of my range, and sang other songs in their original pitch even if they might be slightly uncomfortably low/high. But why should I not change the pitch, really? It's so much more comfortable to sing within my own range, and I sound better less horrible too. So I was really happy today, because I found my own range :). And I was rather surprised that I was able to catch the key after a few beats, when I lowered/raised the pitch. Guess I'm not tone deaf after all ^^.

It's still hard, though, because a lot of singers have very a wide vocal range, which means that the beginning is usually low but the ending is really high. So after a few tries singing girls' songs, I gave up and stuck to guys' songs (raised a few keys). It's not much of an achievement, I admit, to keep singing easy songs, but I'm gonna take it one step at a time. Now that I have found my range, I can work towards expanding it!

Today's song of the day is 羅志祥's 怕安靜. Sang it a few times, because it's a nice song and it's easy to sing XD.

I love singing :). 

The cold night air

I want to start writing regularly again. These days I find myself struggling to express myself, and I'm afraid that as the years go by it'll just get worse. I used to be able to churn out paragraphs of texts in minutes, thinking of what I was trying to say even as I typed them out, checking the dictionary software every once in a while. And even then, I wasn't any good at it. Now, it just doesn't come as naturally. As I got used to summarising my thoughts into short sentences with a 140 characters limit, it got harder to elaborate.. things. (Case in point.)

The URL of this blog came out because it was 11:45pm at night, I couldn't think of a smart-sounding URL that hadn't already been used before and seriously I was itching to type something so I didn't really wanna spend too much time thinking of a URL, and the cold night air was blowing through the windows. And maybe because recently I've been noticing how cold the air at night is. These days I can't sleep well without wearing socks; must be a sign of growing old *GASP*.

Anyway. Today I finished reading a book, The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. It's a strange book; I felt that I learnt a lot from it, but at the same time I also felt that I didn't understand the book all that well. I guess that a man of faith might be able to relate better to the content though, since there was a lot of talk about God and spirituality that I don't know how I feel about. Even destiny, which is the core idea of the book - I'm not sure if I believe in that, that each person has his own destiny. For now, though, the biggest takeaway from the book is that we're all capable of a lot of things, if only we dare to try. And try, I will. Somehow I think that when one reads the book at different points of his life, he'd learn something different every time. So I think I'm gonna buy the book soon.

A song that I've been listening to today is A Thousand Years by Christina Perri. When I first heard this song a few months ago it didn't leave much of an impression on me, but tonight, somehow, it struck me as simple yet beautiful.

I'll love you for a thousand more.